The other day a bird flew into my daughters house. Her first reaction was to scream! Rapid fire thoughts started racing through her head - what the heck is a bird doing in the house? How am I going to get it out? It better not get near my babies!
As she tried to shoo the bird towards the window to get it to leave, she turned to her 5-year old and asked if he was scared and he screamed back at her "I wasn't scared until you started screaming".
Once the bird left the house, my daughter sat down with her 5-year old to explain that sometimes grown ups get scared. "It's my job to keep you safe and I was having a hard time controlling my emotions because I was afraid the bird might accidentally hurt you and your baby brother".
Sometimes we don't realize how contagious our emotional state can be. Especially when we are in the presence of someone who takes their cues from us. Whether that's a baby, a 5-year old or a fully grown adult. The energy we exude through our emotions, demeanor, and especially our words leave an impression.
So, how does one manage their emotional state in ways that leave positive impressions? For me, I think it's through courageous vulnerability gained from personal reflection and a deep rooted desire for continuous growth and evolution.
I just read this really interesting paper talking about creating 'psychologically informed environments' in the NICU and PICU (here is the citation: Atkins, E. & Syed-Sabir, H. (2022). PIE in PICU and NICU: Developing Psychologically Informed Environments. Clinical Psychology Forum, 359, 9-19. DOI: https://doi.org/10.53841/bpscpf.2022.1.359.9).
Just like many other frameworks the authors present a very sound, evidence-based case for adoption and implementation for psychologically informed environments. Creating this type of milieu has the potential to positively impact babies, young children, their families as well as the professionals who work and serve in these highly intensive, medicalized settings.
In describing why we need psychologically informed environments in N/PICU (and beyond in my opinion) is captured in this quote from the paper:
"There is a huge potential for distress and trauma within the N/PICU environments and therefore a model which helps us to understand the behaviour and emotional experiences of staff and families is vital. PIE considers the whole environment, rather than just one aspect like the skilling up of families, the demeanour of staff or distress of carers. PIE allows space to reflect holistically and to effect meaningful and lasting change."
My comment about this (and trying to tie this back to the bird story, self-discovery and growth) is that creating psychologically informed, or trauma-informed, or family-centered, or baby friendly or neuroprotective environments (or whatever the next big thing is), begins with ourselves.
If we are truly going to create and foster compassionate, psychologically-informed, and dare I say loving environments, it begins with our capacity to establish compassionate, psychologically-informed, and loving relationships. And the first relationship we need to get a handle on, is the one we have with ourself.
Dan Siegel talks about intraconnectedness, that we are a 'Me' AND a 'We' and that together, as our best self, we are 'MWe'. I saw that in the story my daughter shared with me about the bird invasion.
She was a 'Me' frightened by the presence of the avian intruder and acutely aware of the potential threat to her 'We', which in that moment was represented by her children - she embodied 'MWe'. And, not only did she embody 'MWe', but so didn't her little 5-year old, when his sense of safety was confused not by the presence of the bird but his mom's reaction to it.
But I think we often get the awareness of the 'MWe' conditioned out of us at an early age and can be left feeling isolated in our independence, set a drift among a sea of 'We' that only sees the 'Me'.
The opportunity and responsibility we have as helping professionals is to truly know ourselves so that we can bring our full wise compassionate 'Me + We = MWe ' self to the work we do everyday; to the highs, the lows, and everything in between.
What we feel is real and it's better that you know what you feel and how you feel so that you can prepare yourself to step up and be the helper that someone else may need in any given moment.
This isn't about perfection; this is about insight and authenticity that shows up as courageous vulnerability.
As I typed that second to the last sentence I was reminded of the words of Maya Angelou:
"The thing to do, it seems to me, is to prepare yourself so you can be a rainbow in somebody else's cloud."
Big hugs and buckets of love,
Mary
P.S.: Please consider joining me and an expert international faculty at Caring Essentials' 4th Annual Trauma Informed Developmental Care Conference (aka Science & Soul) in Boston MA, October 13-15, 2024.
This unique and distinct event brings together leading scientists, researchers, clinicians, educators, and health and human service professionals to translate advances in our understanding of early life adversity, infant and parental mental health, and the ripple effect of racial and ethnic inequities in infant health outcomes into actionable improvements in the care and ongoing support of babies, young children and their families who experience pediatric medical traumatic stress.
EARLY BIRD REGISTRATION EXPIRES SOON!